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Thread: Jokes anyone?

  1. #11
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    What is warm and soft when you fall asleep, but hard and cold when you wake?

    Vomit.


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    Senior Member Ferris2son's Avatar
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    A boy and his mother were walking past a cemetery. The boy stopped and read a headstone that said, "Here lies a fine attorney and an honest man". The boy looks at his mother and asks, "why are there two people buried there"?
    Rangerone, cleandean and Pawn thanked this.

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    Senior Member Major Asstard's Avatar
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    What's long, black, hard and full of semen...why a submarine!
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    "I fought for Peace. Now I want a Piece of what I was fighting for!" Benny Hill

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  5. #14
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    A man and a woman are sitting next to each other on a flight in a Boeing 747. The plain hits sever turbulence and the man looking out window at the wing bouncing around gradually he looks more and more worried.

    The woman noticing the mans concerns says " don't worry, I'm a flight attendant and it is perfectly normal"

    The man replies " Miss, I'm a Boeing engineer and we didn't design the wing to do what it's doing right now."
    XTRazzer, STL, Humiston and 6 others thanked this.




    "Sometimes it is entirely appropriate to kill a fly with a sledge-hammer!"
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    Man and wife at home, phone rings it's the garage man on the other end says your car is ready to be picked up, man says O.K. wife's in bathroom putting on her make up and doing her hair we'll be there as soon as she is ready, garage guy says will tht be today?
    A Man Has Got To know His Limitations Dirty Harry
    Walk Soft Carry A Big Stick Theodore Roosevelt
    I Cor.10:13 "1611KJV" Best promise in the Bible

  7. #16
    Kev
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    A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing. The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the guy comes back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."
    FS2KSTD, STL, ambush814 and 3 others thanked this.
    Contrary to popular belief, I know exactly what I'm doing.

  8. #17
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    Okay I'll take a shot at it

    There were two rednecks who were both in high school for their 6th year, and these certain fellers decided that a life of digging holes and farm labor just wasn't for them so they were going to get them a high class education at one of them colleges. Any who one of them decides to go to the school counselor and ask what needs to be done, and the school counselor tells him that he's on the right track but he may want to take a logical thinking class. after this certain redneck heard this he was rather confused, and he asked "well what is a logical thinking class?" and the school counselor thought for a little while and said "well it's kind of hard to explain so I'll just give you an example"

    "Do you own a weed whacker?" asked the counselor.
    "Well yes I do" replied the redneck.
    so the counselor say's "well if you own a weed whacker then I could probably conclude that you have a yard."
    and the red neck says " well yes, yes I do have yard."
    and the counselor continues " and if you have a yard then you probably have a house, and if you have a house then you probably have a family, and if you have a family then you probably have a wife, and if you have a wife then your probably a heterosexual."
    to this the red neck is just shaking his head up and down because it's all correct, and he decides he's going to do this thing.
    Any ways a couple of days later he runs into his other redneck buddy and he tells him he's taking this logical thinking class. and his buddy ask him what is that? and so the redneck taking the class thinks for a little while and tells him he will just give him an example and so he ask " do you own a weed whacker?"
    And the other red neck reply's " well no I guess I don't."
    then the first red neck says " then your gay."
    "It seemed like a good idea at the time"

  9. #18
    Senior Member Ferris2son's Avatar
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    Kev

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  11. #20
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    Bob, an attorney, is a workaholic. He works long days, spends time at the office on weekends, and never takes vacation.

    He does however find time for a Wednesday night bowling league, and shoots eighteen holes at his country club on Sundays.

    His wife, thinking this isn't enough leisure time for such an over worked man, decides to surprise him for his birthday. She shows up in a taxi, and tells him to get in. The taxi pulls up at a strip club. The doorman opens the door for them and greets them with "Hey, Bob. Good to see ya." Bob's wife looks startled, but he quickly assures her that the doorman is on his Wednesday night bowling team.

    They sit at a table, and before they've ordered anything the cocktail server approaches with a gin and tonic. "Your usual, Bob" she says as she smiles and serves him. The wife again looks startled and slightly suspicious, but Bob quickly assures her that this cocktail waitress must work here in addition to her job tending bar at the country club, which is where he knows her from.

    A buxom young stripper approaches their table seductively, and asks, "Your regular table dance, Bob?". At this point the wife's had enough, so she storms out of the club. Bob chases her outside and gets into the cab with here, desperately trying to come up with excuses, but the wife isn't having it. She's cursing and screaming at him while slapping him for punctuation. The cab driver looks over his shoulder and says "Geez, Bob; you picked up a real ***** this time."
    dead-eye-Willy and bluedevil99 thanked this.

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