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Thread: Jokes anyone?

  1. #391
    Senior Member SeaMac's Avatar
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    You got that right Brother!

    Quote Originally Posted by M1P90 View Post
    Gotta have a sense of humor to get through each day my friend!
    Sean


  2. #392
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    You can take a Liberal to knowledge,

    But you can't make them THINK
    Big Muddy thanked this.

  3. #393
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    A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2016 7 Series BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

    Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Apple i phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany...

    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad that the image has been processed and the data stored He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5 and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."


    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

    "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.


    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"


    "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know crap about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”

    “Now give me back my dog.”


    AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.
    DrToyHoarder, cap10, FS2KSTD and 1 others thanked this.
    Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum
    "If you wish for peace, prepare for war"


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  5. #394
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    Dirtiest worst joke EVER!:

    Whats the best part about being a pedophile?


    Those little hands make it look soo big!!
    "I saw some girl texting and driving the other day and it really pissed me off, so I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her!" LOLz

  6. #395
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    During a recent Trump stop, a heckler from the audience hollered, "Hey Trump, where are you hiding your tax returns?

    The Donald politely responded, "I've found a very secure place that I'm certain they won't be found."

    The insistent heckler, then shouted, "And just where is that, dummy"?

    The Donald smiled and said, "They are underneath Obama's college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service registration. AND on Hillary’s Server.
    Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum
    "If you wish for peace, prepare for war"


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  7. #396
    Senior Member The Marshal's Avatar
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    Remember, Don't Drink and Drive!

    I would like to share an experience with you all about drinking and driving. As you well know some of us have been known to have had rare brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
    A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some shots.
    Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit I did something I've never done before... I took a bus home.
    Sure enough, I passed a DUI checkpoint, but as it was a bus they waved it through.
    I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
    M1P90, OvrK0, Kakashi66218 and 1 others thanked this.
    ~Bill

    Life is hard.
    It's even harder when you're stupid.

  8. #397
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    A wild eyed (and quite ugly) woman walked into a crowded bar in downtown Washington, DC waiving an un-holstered pistol and yelled out,

    "I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911, with a seven round magazine, plus one in the chamber. I want to know who's been sleeping with my husband?"

    A female voice from the back of the room called out,

    "You Need More Ammo, Hillary!"
    TheCameraMan79, Patton250 and OvrK0 thanked this.
    Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum
    "If you wish for peace, prepare for war"


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